Bridging the Divide
We all want to be heard and understood and while facilitating and being a part of myriad of different meet up groups I have had more than a few circumstances that came up that have tested my ability to speak in a way I could feel good about afterwards. This of course has come with many trials and errors and one circumstance, truly stood out to me as a lesson. The discussion became heated and we both decided to stick around for a possible but I learned something incredible in facing the argument head on as conflict avoidance is a big red flag for me.
The way we phrase issues we feel passionately about matters. Are you coming from a place of authority on the topic. If you are, be upfront about it prior to your message. But, Is it the right place to do that. Read the room.
Do you need to state your credence on the issue in the environment you’re in? Example…
I also have a friend who runs a meet up group I attend and he often states that we should be able to have calm dialogue that gets us to logic. But what I want to point out is that logic isn’t necessarily devoid of emotion and emotions can be heated, exuberant and extremely noteworthy. Take Martin Luther kings speeches for example. They are a perfect example of energetic passion aligned with logic. But how can we mirror this example say in settings where we are having conversations with people. Can we be passionate speakers and still hold onto our logical leanings with a sense of dignity, Without using ad hominems? We can absolutely use a few different and practical methods while having emotional exuberance for the topic at hand.
Phrasing. Don’t state your opinion as fact and don’t state facts as facts unless you can truly back it up with verifiable evidence.
The way we frame is everyhting! Say I believe, I feel, I think. and so on
I understand that a lot of people are church hurt and often times people who speak in an authoritarian way will be immediately written off and discount anything they are saying. But there is a good reason for this. Unless you are an expert it reeks of absolutism. As if this persons reality should be the reality of all. But that’s not the case.
Dont lead with framing language. Such as - “So this really truthful video I watched…”
Check your intention? Is it to truly to share knowledge or to belittle someone?
If someone is taking up a lot of time to talk, and it’s gettin a bit arduous take a moment to interrupt politely. And letting them know how you feel! A simple I’m going to stop you there Joe, I just can’t follow anymore.”
If someone is being offensive. Call them out on why by using ownership language and if they don’t take into account what you are saying, and continue to make said remarks, state that you are ending the conversation. It’s ok to hold up your boundaries. if they don’t stop, just leave. You can’t force them to stop but you can walk away.
Speak from the heart. How can we do this. Language that takes ownership. How can we take ownership in our language well. Tell your story. Use examples form your own life to explain why you feel a certain what about something. Use I statements. Not we, us or them. Just like we learned in couples counseling. The I feel phrase works. It’s showing someone that it’s your experience, and you’re not projecting it onto their reality.
Jsut like in therapy when people know your intentions are in good faith the easier it will be for them to take in all that you are saying. Lead your conversations with this!
Often times people get frustrated at the lack of their ability to express themselves in a way that can be understood and this is often where the frustration and defensive responses comes in. It’s often about themselves. If we can prepare ourselves mindfully prior to each engagement and go over the practices mentioned above - I believe each communicative experience will bring an outcome we can feel good about.
