Bridging the Divide
We all want to be heard and understood and while facilitating and being a part of myriad of different meet up groups, I have had more than a few circumstances that have come up, that have tested my ability to speak in a way I could feel good about. I have more recently been able to let go of the shame behind sitting through heated discussion and get to the part where we come to what truly is bothering us, but this of course has come with lots of trial and error and one circumstance has stood out to me as a lesson. I remember learning this lesson and about what it taught me, in my undergrad, as a communications major. I remember getting into arguments with family members as a twenty something college student, often repeating this lesson I instrinsicly knew was the right way to communicate, in a furry of anger, of course to no avail, as my family dismissed most of what I was talking about. As family often does in heated squabbles.
The Lesson: How we say things is more important than what we say. The way we phrase issues we feel passionately about, truly matters.
I also have a friend who runs a meet up group I attend and he often states that we should be able to have calm dialogue that gets us to logic. But what I want to point out is that logic isn’t necessarily devoid of emotion and emotions can be heated, exuberant and extremely noteworthy. I know he says this in order to keep the bias from taking hold but I would argue that if we try to control too much of what it is we want to say, our message and truth will be lost. Take Martin Luther kings speeches for example. They are a perfect example of energetic passion aligned with logic. But how can we mirror this example say in settings where we are having conversations with people and don’t have time to write out our responses? Can we be passionate speakers and still hold onto our logical leanings with a sense of dignity, without using ad hominems? We can absolutely use a few different and practical methods while having emotional exuberance for the topic at hand. I’ll break these practical tips into two categories, offensive and defensive language below.
OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE
Do you need to state your expertise on the issue in the environment you’re in? No, it’s not arrogant to do so, when you phrase it in a certain way. This is also where reading the room is important. Every group or one to one conversation, will have its own energy and culture attached and just like in surfing, knowing how to read the energy (waves) and timing will always imperative to stating your experience on the matter (riding the waves). I’ll give you a lucrative example “since I have been studying this topic for quite some time in an academic setting, I feel I can speak on it with a sense of authority”.
Stating your opinion as fact without stating expertise first and without verifiable evidence, is a sure way to lost credibility. If you aren't an expert on said subject, usually evidence that includes stories or case studies is sufficient, while prefacing any statement with, in my opinion etc. This is a way to take ownership. The way we frame is everyhting! Saying I believe, I feel, I think. and so on leads the audience to trusting your honesty in the matter.
I understand that a lot of people are church hurt and often times people who speak in an authoritarian way will be immediately written off by those listening, at least that is how it’s been for me. This goes back to ‘how we say something’ is at the crux of good communication. Unless you are an expert and state how you are, this way of speaking reeks of absolutism. As if this persons reality, should be the reality of all. If you want to be preached at, go to church. But it’s not only about prefacing experience, it’s about your tone, and pitch. Using a low resonance accompanied with mandates and commands. I would even argue that even if you notate your experience most people will be turned off by this sort of language unless you’ve had a good experience in church. Leading with framing language is also a big issue to try and avoid. Such as - “So this really truthful video I watched…” it is suggestive and manipulative and often times hard to catch in conversations and this language could leave you wondering why everyone is agreeing to set the lab cat on fire, as part of a joke on the neighbours. (sick college dorm reference there).
Check your intentions. Are you there to truly share knowledge or to belittle someone because you had a bad day at work and were belittled yourself all day, and doing so makes you feel better. Intenion matters, and pre grounding before any connection helps to hone in on good faith questioning and communicaion.
DEFENSIVE LANGUAGE
On Being Interrupted - If someone is taking up a lot of time to talk, and it’s gettin a bit arduous take a moment to interrupt politely. And letting them know how you feel! A simple I’m going to stop you there Joe, I just can’t follow anymore.”
If someone is being offensive. Call them out on why by using ownership language and if they don’t take into account what you are saying, and continue to make said remarks, state that you are ending the conversation. It’s ok to hold up your boundaries. if they don’t stop, just leave. You can’t force them to stop but you can walk away.
Speak from the heart. How can we do this. Language that takes ownership. How can we take ownership in our language well. Tell your story. Use examples form your own life to explain why you feel a certain what about something. Use I statements. Not we, us or them. Just like we learned in couples counseling. The I feel phrase works. It’s showing someone that it’s your experience, and you’re not projecting it onto their reality.
Jsut like in therapy when people know your intentions are in good faith the easier it will be for them to take in all that you are saying. Lead your conversations with this!
Often times people get frustrated at the lack of their ability to express themselves in a way that can be understood and this is often where the frustration and defensive responses comes in. It’s often about themselves. If we can prepare ourselves mindfully prior to each engagement and go over the practices mentioned above - I believe each communicative experience will bring an outcome we can feel good about.
